WiseCrax: My Heart Pumps for the Golden Arches

Libby Williams, Staff Reporter

McDonald’s, bottom of the lunch rush in the dead of summer. It’s hot out here people, you can see it in the crew member’s glazed over eyes, but they’re still pushing for the corporate man upstairs. They’re hungry for that hourly $13.69, but the customer is hungry too. Hungry for Big Mac’s, hungry for vengeance.

Let’s get the cameras in on Libby Williams, she’s playing offense on the window, handing out bags like her life depends on it; and in a way folks, it does, wouldn’t you say so?

Look at that focus, that monotonous almost drone like pass, that dead inside “here you go, have a nice day.” This kid’s clearly a natural!

But do you hear that? The low rumble? We’ve got a big wheeler pulling up, ladies and gents, your classic over-compensator!

They’re at the window now, she hands the bag to the husband driving. A smooth transfer, maybe it’s a clean play—no, what’s this? The wife in the passenger seat is asking for something, I can’t seem to hear it… she’s whispering and the roar of that engine is loud, folks…


I certainly can’t make it out, let’s see how Williams handles it…

“I’m so sorry, I missed what you said, what can I get for you?”

Wonderful form from Williams, even heeled, I don’t see this going poorly for her at al-


Oh, my goodness, folks, the passenger seat wife has pulled a surprise play on Williams! I don’t know who coached this woman, but they have a lot of nerve letting her get away with that kind of aggression on the field.

And Williams hits them with the classic patient smile, boy I tell ya, I would have blown a fuse at this point– oh, wait, she’s leaning down to the sauce rack, she seems to be muttering something. Let’s cut to a close-up:

“I’ll show you where you can shove some salt packets, lady…”

Ooh, a risky play on her end, but there’s no way little miss Sharron could have heard her over that Ford F-1BiteMe. Let’s cut back to that salt transfer, they’ve got the packet now– oh, look at that, the passenger seat wife is showing Williams a wild bird… no, wait, two wild birds, both local to the third knuckle region.

Looks like Williams’ coach is switching up her position, she’ll be receiving payments at the first window, something a little calmer for the exhausted athlete. She’s about to pull new gloves on now, but oh, looks like we have a gentleman ready to pay. This guy can’t be younger than 104, folks. He’s paying with quarters from the Lincoln era. Williams still doesn’t have gloves on, looks like she’s risking the bare hand play.

Fumble! Fumble! Pops has dropped the change between his legs where the sun doesn’t shine, ladies and gents, and he’s digging for silver! Williams looks flustered, she’s not close enough to a box of gloves for that added defense, look at her hand hanging out of the window like a limp noodle! 

And touch down! Crotch change is in the palm, you can see it in her face, Williams is going wild! Gramps pulls away and she’s in a dead sprint for that sink, she’ll be there for at least a full minute after a play like that.

Thanks for watching today, folks, be sure to tune in next week, we hear Williams is considering a trade to the Ellensburg Sonic (she likes the uniform color better).