Weekly horoscopes like you’ve never seen

Libby Williams, Columnist

We’ve all been there. You’re out to coffee with a new friend, when they suddenly hit you with that big money question: what’s your astrological sign?

“Uh… I think I’m a Virgo…” you guess. 

“Oh my GOD that makes SO much sense!” They exclaim.

“Or, no… I’m actually a Libra.” 

“Oh my God, THAT makes so much sense!”

Credit where credit is due; if you’re in tune with the planets and stars, all the power to you. But what about those of us who want to know our fortunes, but have trouble keeping up with those balls of gas millions of miles away? Who says Jupiter and Mars are the only things that determine someone’s personality?

I propose a horoscope based on the “mundane.” There’s a lot to be gained about people by watching (and judging) their daily life choices. And so, I present your fortunes, based on the significantly insignificant.

Your Deodorant Scent:

Old Spice: You’ve been putting up a strong front for too long, Old Spice. You want people to view you as a macho, mustachioed tough guy. How spiritually exhausting it must be to uphold this facade! It’s time to drop the act and be confident in your true self: a hip grandparent stuck in a college student’s body. Throw on a cardigan and a pair of practical slippers and turn up NPR to maximum volume. You deserve it. 

Axe Body Spray: You’re entering a season of change and personal growth, and it’s about time. You may feel like you peaked when you made the varsity wrestling team in the 8th grade … But that doesn’t have to be the case, Axe user! That constant, pulsing headache you’ve been experiencing isn’t merely from the chemical fumes; it’s a sign from the cosmos. It’s time to jumpstart your life, starting with a trip to the deodorant aisle. 

Anything “Organic”: You’ve been holding yourself to a ridiculously high standard for years, and the stress is starting to manifest in your homemade oat milk. Self-care is in your near future, so be prepared to ease up on the reigns. Your passion for nature is admirable, but don’t let yourself wither away. When Smokey Bear said, “ONLY YOU can prevent forest fires,” he didn’t mean it literally. Go easy on yourself.

What Shoes You Wear in the Snow:

Snow Boots: You’ve recently had a big change in your life. More specifically, you just moved to Ellensburg from the west side … probably Kirkland. You have a steady head on your shoulders, but don’t let yourself become overly cautious. Experiencing a little slip here and there is good for the soul.

Vans/Converse: The exact opposite of your snow boot wearing cousin, you’re not taking life seriously enough. Flighty and a bit vacant, you throw caution to the wind and take the feeling of being alive for granted. In recent weeks, you’ve had multiple “close-call” situations that, in retrospect, probably should have ended much worse. Use this time to find some traction before it’s too late. 

Crocs: You frequently eat roasted asparagus, dipped in marshmallow fluff, while you shower. Your first name is either Glen, Lester or Blair. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Which Grocery Store You Shop At:

Safeway: You are anything but safe. You’ve been sitting on a deep dark secret for years, and letting it slip could be detrimental to you and those around you. You thrive between the hours of 2 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. The “black sheep” of your family and friends, you’re dancing through life to your own soundtrack. Live on, Safeway. Live on.

Fred Meyer: You like to blend in with a crowd, and that’s reflected in your choice in produce. You may feel you’re stuck in a bit of a rut, or that you’re becoming a “follower.” It’s time to shake things up! You need to take to heart the saying, “just because everyone jumped off the cliff, will you?” Don’t settle for normal! And maybe take up some cliff jumping lessons, just to feel something.

Super One: I only have one question for you: who do you think you are?