Dear Dr. H,

I’m a female who has had six sexual partners and I’ve never experienced an orgasm. What is up with that?

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Answer:

Thanks to popular media, we often have this idea that every time we have sex – and with everyone we have sex with – we should be experiencing mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasms, and if we don’t, there is something either wrong with us or wrong with the sex we’re having. Because this conversation isn’t regularly the topic of dinner time banter with friends, we may not realize how common a lack of orgasm really is during sex, especially for women. And it is common – rest assured, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re certainly not alone.

So, you haven’t had an orgasm with any of your partners… what you didn’t mention is whether you can give yourself an orgasm. Can you? If not, that’s a good place to start. We absolutely cannot expect our partners to get us off if we don’t know what it takes to make that happen. A good resource is: melaniedavisphd.com/female-orgasm-101/ (and if you’re a reader who is concerned about giving someone else an orgasm, you can check that resource out as well!)

If having an orgasm isn’t an issue during solo sex, then perhaps communicating to your partner what works for you is the sticking point. In heterosexual-coupled sex, the focus is often on penis-and-vagina penetration alone, and women often need more clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm. So, whether manually (with a hand/toy) or orally (with a mouth/tongue), greater focus can be placed on this stimulation during foreplay or the main event. Sometimes we assume that our partners – whether they are of the same or opposite sex – should just know what to do. But how could they if we’ve never told them? Different things work for different people, so maybe your partners think they are doing well – because it has worked with someone else in the past – or maybe they are just assuming they are doing well – because no one ever told them otherwise. Talking openly about what works, and providing specific guidance about technique, can be hot and worked into sex in a playful and caring way. Lots of couples touch themselves during sex, or use toys, and this can add another level of excitement and enjoyment. Might this be something you could try? Give it a shot!

However, also keep in mind that the point of sex, whether by yourself or with someone else, is to enjoy it. Worrying about having an orgasm will most likely result in not having one. Perhaps taking the pressure off may help, too. Like anything we work on, we learn through trial and error and approaching the process with a good sense of humor – and a willingness to try new things – will go a long way.

One more thing – we have covered not knowing what exactly it takes to make an orgasm happen, and your partner’s either making an assumption about what works or just flat-out not knowing. Another possible factor is that these partners just don’t care about your enjoyment and prioritize their orgasm over yours. If this is the case, and you’ve expressed your wants and needs and given some gentle guidance and nudging toward what does work for you or what you’d like to try, I’m not sure you should be having a sexual relationship with these people. While we shouldn’t approach sex as orgasm scoring keeping, no one should be left feeling like their pleasure just didn’t matter in the experience.

–Dr. H