We’re all smokin’ the devil’s lettuce, whether we admit to it or not. Ever since legalization, I feel like I can’t walk two blocks without catching a whiff of somebody throwing their life away. 

That being said, I can’t blame those pot-smoking philanderers. Look at the state of the world and tell me sobriety sounds like a more viable way to cope than dope. 

In honor of the most important holiday ever celebrated, I’m going to let you know my unadulterated thoughts about every which way one might kick back, spark one up and destroy a few brain cells or opportunities. 

Joint: This tried and true method is like the burrito wrapper of smoking; it tastes like paper, so if you were into making spitwads in middle school, this is the method for you. The only time a crutch is a good thing is when it keeps you from eating grass, like some livestock just trying to live. 

Blunt: A thick blunt is like the brown paper bag of smoking methods. It tastes like a cigar with none of the pizzazz but hits you in the face like a taco truck. 

Pipe: Whether it’s glass or metal (and you’ll want to use glass because metal pipes heat up faster than your uncle on Christmas Eve), this trusty modality is a great way to smoke some trees in a tree. Just make sure you keep the cherry going and use a screen so you don’t get Scooby snacks, those little bits of burnt weed you accidentally eat when the hole in a pipe is too big to function, because Zoinks! They sure are nasty for something called snacks.

Bong: This is like the beaker of smoking accouterments, but the only experiment you’ll be conducting is how many handfuls it takes to get to the center of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos bag.

Vape Pen: This goes out to all the people that like sucking through straws when there is only ice left in the cup, however it’s the most covert and smell-free way to smoke. Nothing spells adulthood like smoking vape juice that tastes like Skittles and regret. 

Volcano Vape: The microwaved popcorn of weed-smoking modalities; if you have ever been called a bag of hot air, this is the machine for you. 

Apple: The most versatile of the smoking methods. It can keep doctors away, you can eat it as breakfast, you can shell a couple holes in it with an old ballpoint pen and roast one down, you can plant it in the ground, you can drop it over somebody’s head out of a tree so they think they discovered some law of nature or something… The options are endless with Washington’s most beloved fruit. 

Knifers: A splendid way to ruin your silverware and the only reason having old coiled burners on a stove is useful. 

There you have it folks, no stoner has been left unturned during this in-depth analysis that you absolutely should not use as rolling paper. Remember, don’t try this at home.