I see you, lone waffle fry in the french fry bag, living your crispiest life before your once-in-a-lifetime journey to the center of a human. You may not know that anybody recognizes your diligence, but I do. When Andy the burger-flipper went to shovel those french fried chips into that wafer-thin paper envelope of guilty love, who was there to accompany them, free of charge? You were. And when that five-year-old’s mom only ordered potatoes cut in the shape of vape pens, who shattered her limited perception of reality? You did! And when you were asked to choose between being shaped like a breakfast or being shaped like a lunch side dish, who denied the duality of expectation by saying, I shouldn’t have to choose and neither should you?! You did! I see you, lone waffle fry, I respect you, I cherish you, and you bet your tartar sauce that I will eat you first.

I see you, broken 24-hour parking pass printer. Struck down in your prime, if you could even call it that. Of course, now that you have nothing to offer them, they finally see your worth. You watch them now, realizing in horror that their card has been declined, and you are out of order. They grapple with their options, torment stricken and full of woe. Do they use 30-minute parking and switch spots every half hour? Do they try to park in the back corner of the lot, where they’re convinced no parking attendant would venture to tack on a $30 fine? After all, it’s 4:17 p.m. They wouldn’t ticket them this close to the free parking hour, right? RIGHT? But alas, what would you know? You’re just a 24-hour parking pass printer, and you are out of order.

I see you, orca whale, being all white, black and misunderstood all over. You may let it get under your blubber when everybody calls you a killer, but I see you for more than just the temperamental older sibling to the dolphin. When the Loch Ness monster needed an animal so bold that it would throw humans off its scent, who volunteered to take the spotlight and star in Free Willy? You did. When humans finally caught on to the fact that Sea World was far worse than A and B World, who rallied all the orcas in captivity for a worker’s strike, fins filled with homemade signs? You did! And when Oreo cookies needed a new mascot that reflected their product, who signed that contract with ink that spewed out of your blowhole crying “All’s whale that ends whale”?! By Shamoo’s flipper, you did! I see you, orca whale, I respect you, I am terrified of you, and you bet your under-seasoned seal carcass that I will never mistake you for a penguin again. 

I see you, Bing. Or, actually, I haven’t in a while. Are you doing okay? Remember that time when I was in the seventh grade, you had that promotional ad where you had people do an anonymous side-by-side search with Google, and then they voted for which one they liked better? And then remember, when everyone still picked Google? That must have hurt. I think about you from time to time. I figure you had to take some time away, I understand that. Google and I are doing great, same as always. Go easy on yourself, okay? It’s not your fault. I’ll look you up sometime. I might even Bing you (no, I won’t).