Congratulations on reaching week seven of spring quarter. Or is it week eight? Or, wait, what month is it? … Where am I? Regardless of it all, you deserve a break. 

Maybe you’ve made it this far without missing a class; reward yourself with a day off. Maybe you haven’t been to your Zoom lessons since the first week, and you’ve been exclusively getting the Spark Notes version of the lecture from some dude named Todd that you found on the “students in this class” tab on Canvas (hey Todd, thanks buddy). 

Either way, chances are you need some solid, fool-proof excuses for why you’re playing hooky. You’re in college, you need some collegiate responses. (To my own professors, all of these were 100% true when I used them.)

“My homework ate my dog, I need to do an interview with CNN about it.”

“I’m dismantling the entire system.” If and when you are asked which system, you have a few options. You can reply with a deadpan, “yes.” Or, go for the guilt trip. Say something like, “does it matter? All of the systems are flawed, professor, do you really support any of them?? I’ll remember this during the end of quarter feedback.”

“I went out for a carton of OJ and I never came back.”

“President James Gaudino (a different one than you’re thinking of) came over for a pancake breakfast, and he’s messy. There was batter on the walls, ceiling and fireplace, and I had to spend the morning deep cleaning the entire house.”

“Bees.”

“My intramural ping pong team won regionals, and we had to fly down to Kentucky. We didn’t do so well, and frankly I’m appalled and offended that you would ask about something that’s still so raw.” Begin sobbing, violently and with passion. 

Tell your professor you had a raging, debilitating case of hiccups. Your roommate spent the whole morning trying to scare them out of you, sending you emails posing as your advisor saying you were being kicked from your major, but to no avail. You hiccuped so aggressively and inhaled so much excess air, that you quite literally took flight. The aviation team had to go on a rescue mission to deflate you. It was an extra credit assignment for them. Ask if you can get extra credit too for helping them out with their training. 

“Lactose. You don’t want to know.”

“I began therapy to assess my addiction to going out for cartons of OJ and never coming back.”

“I was on my way home, rushing to make it to our Zoom meeting on time. Suddenly, out of the bushes, appeared a flash mob dance group. They engulfed me in a sea of shimmying and boogying, and I had no choice but to defend myself with my own killer dance moves. They were thoroughly impressed, and insisted I join their team. I couldn’t say no, and now we’re on a nationwide tour. I’m actually going to need to be excused for Friday’s class, too. You understand.”