Satire: Wellington Wildcat spends three-night stint in animal shelter after lively night out


Courtesy of @wellington_wildcat

Katherine Camarata, Columnist

According to an anonymous student source, CWU’s own Wellington Wildcat was spotted behind bars in the back of the Ellensburg Animal Shelter’s truck last Saturday at approximately 3 a.m., with bloodshot eyes and paws restricted by hard, metal handcuffs. 

The source said Wellington attempted to achieve the im-paw-sible by unbolting himself from his regular position outside the SURC. A drunk and disorderly encounter with campus security ensued, much to the dismay of campus-dwellers. 

“It was equal parts horrifying and awesome,” a student eyewitness said. “It was like watching some bootleg, low-budget version of Night at the Museum, only instead of starring Ben Stiller it starred the lovechild of a rabid animal and a tin can.” 

The source said Wellington became animated, dashed from his post into the entrance of the SURC, stole all the mangoes from the smoothie stand and scaled the rock climbing wall with the attitude of an animal that expects to live nine lives. 

Campus security began a hot pursuit with reckless abandon, according to several student eyewitnesses. Wellington was heard shouting, “This school is MINE!” from the top of the rock climbing wall as he towered above the Recreation Center like King Kong on the Empire State Building. 

According to the eyewitness, Wellington scurried down the rock climbing wall and out the door once more, where another student source reported witnessing him race toward the football field. 

According to several members of the varsity football team, Wellington told the practicing cheerleaders he could do their job better than they could. He then did an inebriated back handspring, scrambled to his feet, chewed up one of the cheerleader’s pom-poms and coughed up a furball on the 50-yard line with seemingly no remorse. 

“It was enough to turn me into a dog person for the rest of my life,” an anonymous member of the CWU cheer squad said. 

The head of campus security decided to call the local animal catcher when they realized that CWU staff was in over their heads. 

The animal catcher arrived on the scene just as Wellington sprinted toward Purser Hall, according to eyewitnesses. Ellensburg Animal Shelter catcher Harry Chaser said he hoped to corner Wellington by the pool so he would have no way to escape. 

Chaser lured Wellington into the Aquatic Center by attaching some catnip to a ten-foot pole and trapping him inside. With nowhere to turn, Chaser said Wellington scurried up the ladder of the high diving board. 

“You’ll never catch me alive,” Wellington said with gusto. 

Channeling the confidence of a creature that always lands on its feet, Wellington somersaulted off the diving board into the water. The catcher followed him into the depths of the pool with a large fishing net in tow, according to an anonymous employee of the Aquatic Center. 

Chaser said he yanked Wellington out of the water and handcuffed him with the help of three other CWU staff members. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a crushed-up can of Four Loko tumble out of his pocket as he foamed at the mouth. 

“I’ve hunted plenty of dachshunds and chihuahuas before, but never a fully-grown metal wildcat,” Chaser said. “I’m proud to serve CWU and the broader Ellensburg community in crises like these.” 

Wellington was sentenced to three nights in the animal shelter without bail. Sources from the shelter said he learned how to fashion a shank out of his own whiskers and a harmonica, and that he planned to complete his GED with his newfound spare time in the little house. 

“You only get nine lives,” Wellington said. “I feel lucky I still have time to turn this one around before I reincarnate.”