WiseCrax: Summer Lovin’

Libby Williams, Columnist

The afternoon hits the mid 70s and dips down to 30 degrees by 8:30. You snooze in the grass through another Zoom class because you simply cannot be bothered anymore. A wind gusts through those white fluffy trees, spreading the smell of fishy cat pee through your neighborhood. It can only mean one thing: summer in the ‘Burg is back.

You’ve probably seen the trend going around social media; thousands of eager, cooped up people ready to claim this summer after being stuck alone for so long. Many are calling it “white boy summer” or “hot girl summer.” 

Don’t get it twisted, “hot girl summer” does not and should not equate to intense workouts to become “hot.” It means getting out there and doing what makes you happy, like the bad (redacted) you are. That’s the hottest thing in the world. 

But frankly, I don’t think there are enough options for what kind of summer you can have. Hot girl summer and white boy summer simply aren’t versatile enough, so here are a few more choices.

1. Nostalgia Trip Summer

Not to be one of those people that tells you to disconnect and get back to your roots, but disconnect and get back to your roots. Fire up the old GameCube, blast some Avril Lavigne and OG Taylor Swift, and go look at some bugs. Sure, you could think about joining the adult world, maybe send off some resumes, or you can revert to your mid 2000s childhood. You’ve had a stressful year, it’s okay if you regress for a few months, as a treat. All the cool kids are doing it.

2. Guy Fieri Summer

You read it right. Get a spiky haircut, frost those tips, and get out on the town.

Flavor town.

You want to talk to me about hot girl summer? What’s hotter than a man in a flaming bowling shirt? This is your time to explore the culinary world. More specifically, have your friends who are actually good at cooking make all the food, dip your finger in it, then go on a five minute tangent about the texture. Then drive off in your red Camaro without paying. You’re Guy Fieri, and this is “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.” They should be paying you.

3. Gardener Gal Summer

Kick off your shoes and feel the grass between your toes my friend, you are a child of the oat grain now. It’s time to put on a long, art teacher-esque skirt and begin a strange obsession with Nature Valley bars. 

Sow your wild seeds, literally. If you have the means, sign up for a local community garden and grow your own food. Make sure you passive-aggressively rub in everyone’s faces how much better a person you are than them for doing this. 

When you finally yield your crops, be sure to harvest at 3 a.m., eating the veggies raw from the dirt, howling at the full moon and dancing on the compost pile. Plus, wide brimmed sun hats are totally in this year.