Dear Dr. H.,

Why is there so much pressure to have sex?

Dear student,

Feeling pressure to have sex appears to be the ultimate coming-of-age tradition. College students have a tendency to overestimate how much sex their peers are having, which may add to the pressure; however, according to the 2015 American College Health Association, about one-quarter of CWU students have not had any sex in the previous year, while that same number report never having oral or vaginal sex and 70 percent report never having anal sex. Simply put, not everyone is having sex. So, while I get that some students experience this kind of “You’ve never had sex?!” line of inquisition from their friends, I would venture to guess the pressure is often more internal.

Peggy Orenstein does well to critique the current cultural overtones pressuring young people into sex. Her interviewees discuss feeling so much pressure to have sex, particularly for the first time, that people “just want to get it over with,” as if they are going to the dentist or something. But, she critiques the idea that young people who experience their “first time” as a five minute penetrative session where no one expresses desire or want, or communicates their sexual interests, are somehow more experienced or worldly than the still-virgin who has spent hours making out with their partners, exploring their bodies, finding what gives them pleasure and communicating how to pleasure their partner.

Orenstein– and we all should – balks at the notion that penetration alone is the end all, be all of sexual experiences. For starters, this definition of sex is incredibly limited and neglects the substantial portion of our population who identify as queer, and thus, have sexual menus that do not include penis-and-vagina penetrative sex. One queer young woman in Orenstein’s book “Girls & Sex” even defined her virginity-losing-experience as the first time she had an orgasm – wow, isn’t that something? What would it mean for straight girls to hold to that same definition? It would probably take much more consideration and communication with their male partners to convey that sex isn’t over just when he’s done.

But, alas, there’s still pressure to have sex from our peers, friends, partners, and the media powers that be. Pressure comes from the erroneous perspective that having had sex means people possess important experiences that speak to their level of maturity, attractiveness, prowess, and desirability. Oh, but wait, for women, just make sure you aren’t having TOO much sex because, after all, that will crush at least three of those characteristics (good golly, how confusing, huh?!). Yes, the pressure is often gendered whereby men who haven’t had sex (or don’t have much of it) are seen as less manly and assertive, and women who haven’t had sex (or don’t have much of it) are seen as prudish or inhibited. And, frankly, that’s just silly. I’m here to tell you from the other side (of 30 years old) that there is nothing cool or manly or sexy about having sex when you don’t want to or with someone who doesn’t want to.

It’s odd to me that there is pressure to have sex for quantity’s sake, not quality. It truly is seen, sometimes, as something to “just get over with” rather than something to enjoy, where the focus is on everyone’s comfort and pleasure. Perhaps that’s why so many people’s first experiences are while intoxicated. I’m not of the perspective to wait until “everything is perfect” or “when you’re in love,” because it’s natural to be curious about sex and often these experiences are a great way to learn about yourself, about others, and to have a good time. BUT, there’s nothing to learn when your “get it over with” sex experience lasts five minutes, you’re/they’re so drunk you can’t feel pleasure, and you’re not having any fun. So, if you’re in the position of choosing sex (however you define it), ask yourself, “Is this what I want? Am I free of pressure to do this? Does this sound like a fun and enjoyable experience and am I excited to ensure that everyone has a good time?” If the answer to those three isa resounding “yes,” then I’d say you’re at least on the right path.