Landan Garcia, Copy Desk Chief - February 13, 2013
So it’s nearing the end of the quarter. You’ve blown all your savings at the bars, and your recent class performance has been questionable, at best. Summer internships loom on the horizon, and you’re not sure if you’ll land that big job. You’ve got that one internship lined up, but you definitely don’t want to work for that guy.
Now, Valentine’s Day is around the corner and you’re totally lost and dateless. Your brilliant plan involves shedding a few lonely tears and digging deep in that tub of Haagen Dasz with a cheap plastic spoon while some children own you on Call of Duty.
As soon as you’re finished, you’re looking for something else to aid you in your misery.
You wait a few moments, slowly check from side to side for your roommate, then tilt that empty tub for those last few unsatisfying drops of hot ice cream. You truly make me sick.
If you’re a still a junior, you’re too busy being a unicorn or dolphin-riding CEO to care.
Time to pop that bubble: unicorns aren’t entirely real, and dolphins are overrated; only girls in wetsuits like them, and they’re mostly pretending to have fun to get back at their mothers.
Now that you’ve hit rock bottom, it can only get better. So you won’t have a great Valentine’s Day this year. Instead, you have a new goal: have a better day after Valentine’s Day than every couple out there. Make them pay.
It may be even easier than you think.
Most couples will be doing a ridiculous, disgusting number of things to justify a questionably legitimate college relationship. This will involve mass amounts of chocolate, chocolately booze and chocolate flowers. As far as relationships go, this is the biggest day of the year. She has been waiting for it forever, and a breakup is 100 percent contingent upon a successful gift.
Instead of turning to the usual coping mechanisms, you pull it together. Vacuum those nasty ashes off the carpet, wipe up the blood that’s dripped to the bottom of the fridge and take that $2.49 silver-painted plastic utensil set out to the dumpster, once and for all. Lastly, clean those fast food cups and smashed cans out of your front seat. No one wants to sit there. Once you’re done, go to bed at a reasonable hour.
Now you wait.
They have their awesome time going to Olive Garden, riding horses, drawing hearts in the sand, staring into each others eyes…oops, I got lost. Anyway, it all eventually ends, then their relationship will hit a whole new low. The guy will be mentally navigating the next minefield—her birthday—and the girl will be wondering if he actually remembers when that is.
They wake up hating themselves with a chocolate hangover and post-Valentine blues, and you wake up totally refreshed in a new apartment. Congratulations, you win. Do this enough and you may actually fall in love with yourself. If you love yourself enough, other people will get jealous of your relationship and want in. Don’t give in right away, though, that would make you a slut. While there’s no guarantee this will solve your long-term problems, you might get addicted to the feeling and become the next Jeff Winger. (From “Community.”)
Come on, he had a couple good episodes.
In all seriousness, the last thing you want to do this season is jump into a relationship in order to feel complete. You will end up disappointed and will probably hurt the other person in the process. This Valentine’s Day, instead of wasting the day moping, do something that will make you love yourself more the next day. Then try doing it the next day, too.